Guilty as Charged
by Anne Callendar
Summary: "What is wrong, Souji Okita? What do you have to hide?" Okita's breath hitched in his throat. What did he have to hide? From Kashuu - everything. In this world, all secrets will be revealed in crystal pond.
1. The Land In-Between

**GUILTY AS CHARGED**

A Touken Ranbu Fictional Work

 **Font Guide:**

Hello? – Regular narration

 _Hello? –_ Thoughts in the current timeline _or_ memories

' _Hello?' –_ Thoughts occurring in memories

" _Hello?" –_ Dialog occurring in memories

* * *

It was cold and muggy. Kashuu never liked the heat, but he never really loved the cold either. He found himself on a rocky shoreline, perched among massive grey boulders without the slightest clue of how he'd gotten there. Sea and sky stretched out before him and melded into perfect synchrony. Everything was silent and grey. It was as though he was the only living, breathing thing on the whole planet. He looked down at himself and gave a startled squeak when he saw red nail polish on his fingertips. _Isn't this for girls?_

Curious, Kashuu stumbled into a standing position and made his way to the water's edge. It was so clear he could nearly see to the bottom, which was extremely strange. His reflection stared back at him. It was unfamiliar. He couldn't place the face he saw with anyone, much less himself, but who was he anyways? Crimson eyes stared unsettlingly into his soul and he could only stand a few seconds before he had to avert his gaze. A feeling of overwhelming sadness struck him to the core, but he didn't know why.

The soft sound of a flute wafted to him on a non-existent breeze. It was a beautiful, but eerie melody. Kashuu had never heard a tune like it before…at least he thought so. There was a sort of magnetic pull about it; he just wanted to get as close to the source of that strange music as possible. As he dragged himself away from the lonely scenery before him, he caught a flash of white deep within the water, but paid it no mind. The song was what was important. Perhaps if he followed it, he'd get a better sense of what was going on.

He climbed over rocks and hopped across little puddles that littered the beach, never seeming to really cover any ground. But the intensity of the melody grew, and strangely enough it sounded no louder than before. Instinctively, Kashuu knew that it was wrong. Something wasn't right about this place; although he couldn't even remember his own identity, that much was obvious. But he had no choice but to keep on moving forward. That sound was his only lead.

Days passed, maybe hours, probably a few minutes, Kashuu couldn't tell. His body was numb maybe from the cold or from the climbing, he couldn't really be sure. All he knew for certainty was that there _was_ a strong pressure bearing down on him and making his ears ring, and he was sure it was coming from the song; the same song that now seemed even fainter than at the beginning. There was nothing around him. Here, where the intensity was at its peak, there was nothing, no one; just the same old boulders and sand and sea. Kashuu plopped down onto the cold sand and pressed his hands over his ears. It wasn't a very pleasant sensation at all.

 _Now what am I supposed to do?_

He glanced up at the sky and saw that there was no sun, just a dull expanse of steel blue. The colour felt off; somehow, although he wasn't really sure, he knew that the sky was supposed to look different. Pressing his hands down even harder, he tried to rack his brain in an attempt to stir up memories, but he was a blank slate. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing. He didn't feel like he'd forgotten anything; only that he never knew in the first place. As more time passed and nothing happened, he resigned himself to lie against one of the rocks and close his eyes. After a while he got used to the pressure and it didn't feel so overbearing anymore. He fell into a strange state between sleep and wakefulness and stayed there for only heavens knew how long. Everything stayed the same – the placid sea, the frigid air, the background song – and when he next opened his eyes, he felt like he'd only closed them for a second. It was obvious then that the sound had nothing to offer him, so he rose from his seat and stalked off down the beach, not even brushing off the sand that had gathered on his coat. He didn't expect to find anything, just kept walking and walking and walking and climbing and walking some more. He didn't get tired or hungry or bored, those concepts meant nothing to him.

His initial disturbance at not knowing anything about himself dulled and vanished, and the song became a constant companion with him. It actually began to sound less eerie and more peaceful. Probably that was what this was, the embodiment of tranquillity. Because his soul felt as flat and calm as the sea. After years(?) of walking along that peaceful shore, he stumbled upon another person perched upon a rock as he had been when he first woke up. It was a man with eyes that he would have thought suited the sky much better if he had seen them much longer ago, back when the song's pressure was unbearable. The speed with which he scrambled down the boulder startled him. Quick movements like that were foreign to Kashuu. Nothing ever moved except for him after all, and he wasn't in a rush. The man's eyes widened and Kashuu tilted his head curiously as his lips tremored. "Kiyomitsu."

* * *

Okita was a flame of life when he woke up, arms and legs flailing as if he was struggling against whoever was dragging him into this new reality. The place was cold, and dead. The last thing he knew, he was pain, pain, _pain_ but he remembered everything before that clearly. That still didn't completely explain what he was doing there though. Not completely. The first thing he heard was a spine-chilling song that had immense power associated with it. It pressed him to the sand and ripped dry heaves from his throat. He lay down for probably a few hours and let the pressure sink into his bones until he got somewhat used to it, then climbed up onto a rock to survey his surroundings. There was no one there. The place was desolate and filled with sadness. Or maybe that was just him, because he had every reason to grieve and mourn. Not long after he arrived, he saw a familiar figure strolling down the shoreline. He moved effortlessly among the rocks like he'd been there for years. And when Okita saw him, his beloved Kiyomitsu, it was obvious that he'd spent so long there that the aura of the place had sunk into his very being. Kashuu was strikingly beautiful, so beautiful that it hurt his heart to see him like this _here_ of all places. The Kashuu he knew would never go out without makeup, would never look as dishevelled and untidy as the person standing before him – sand speckled hair, clothes and all. But it made him look younger, made Okita remember how young he really was, how young they all were and his heart hurt all the more. Because the last memory he had was of drowning in his own blood before he ended up here, and if Kashuu was here too that could only mean one thing. They were both dead.

Crimson eyes stared with apprehension at blue ones. Blue eyes that had interrupted the peace of his world. He had called him Kiyomitsu. Was that his name? The sight of this man saying his name with such tenderness filled his mind with one thought. A single name that he choked out on tears he didn't even know he was spilling. "Okita-kun…" Kashuu's chest felt fuller than it ever had – full of giddy happiness and crushing despair and everything in-between and it made an aborted laugh bubble up his throat. Another thought. He knew Okita. He loved Okita. "Okita-kun!" he said again, ignoring the tears that blurred his vision as he hugged the man tightly.

"Kiyomitsu what are you doing here?" he asked as he wiped the tears from his freezing cheeks.

"What am I doing here?" that gave him pause. After he'd learned the song by heart he'd stopped asking the meaning of such a pointless question. "What does it matter?"

Okita couldn't help but feel disturbed. It wasn't a new feeling associated with Kashuu. He'd done and said many unsettling things before, especially in their latter years together. But this person before him was completely different – not even a shadow of who he once was. His nail polish had chipped off and his hair was tangled and mussed up. The cloak was damp and wrinkled and he wore no shoes. This was not the near obsessive-compulsive Kiyomitsu he had grown to love. The aura of tranquillity he had with him was one he could never remember him possessing, ever before. "Kiyomitsu-"

"It's the second time you've called me that. Is it my name?"

Ah. Okita nearly choked on grief. It wasn't a surprise. Kashuu didn't remember a thing. It was a relief really. "Yeah. Kiyomitsu Kashuu."

The young man pondered over it for a moment before shrugging. It didn't matter to him. For once in his life Okita wished he could be happy about the day Kashuu stopped caring about his name. "Hey, what is this song? Do you know where it's coming from?"

"Song?" Kashuu looked at him strangely for a second before his face lit up with understanding. It had been with him for so long that he'd forgotten it was a song in the first place. "Oh, I'm not completely sure."

"Does it have a name?"

"A name? Why would it?" And it seemed like a perfectly valid question to Kashuu. He'd been the only one to hear it before, so it didn't need to be named. It was simply a lovely song and nothing more. Seeing Okita's face twist into some weird expression of disappointment made his chest tighten. "Would you like to name it?"

"I guess."

"Alright then. We'll call it…the Song of the Sea."

Okita nodded. He tried not to let his discomfort show. Everything about this Kiyomitsu was wrong. But he didn't have time to focus on that. He needed answers, and so far, the Song of the Sea was the only lead they had. He considered asking again where it came from but he doubted the boy would be able to answer. He'd just have to rely on his own senses. Okita reached forward and laced his cold fingers with Kashuu's silently lamenting that they would never again feel warm. "Let's find the source. You've been here all alone haven't you? Time for an adventure."

"An adventure?" Kashuu let himself be pulled forward, and for the first time since he came, he began to feel as though there was so much he was forgetting, and it was really, really important.

They climbed up the rocks that made up the slope of the beach until they were on flat land overlooking everything. The sameness of it all was sickening to Okita, but Kashuu's delighted face made it bearable. He always took pleasure in the smallest things. He fought through waves of nostalgia and pulled Kashuu along a little too roughly, but it didn't matter now, because nobody could hurt them ever again. Okita followed the force of the sound all the way to the base of a cliff. A stone door was built into it and it practically hummed with energy. He couldn't feel it though. They were both numb to everything. It grated horribly as it slid open, but instead of being greeted by a dank cave like he was expecting, they stared at the interior of an elevator.

A chill ran down Okita's spine. He didn't have a good feeling about this. Heck, he didn't have a good feeling about the entire place. He'd like nothing more than to grab Kashuu and embrace him until this horrible nightmare was over, but there was no going back for either of them. "What are you waiting for, Okita-kun?" This time the smaller man took the lead and soon, they were travelling down, down, down, beneath the hill, beneath the shoreline, beneath the sea, beneath the universe itself. As they made their descent, a strong presence came over them. It was one of authority – one that made Okita stand a little taller and Kashuu shrink a little smaller. Kashuu was shivering and he didn't know why. Yes he was still cold, but his palms were sweating and he just felt cold and clammy and scared and awful. A heavy guilt settled in his stomach and he felt the need to apologize, to anyone, anything that he could, but his throat was so tight with tears that he couldn't speak. Okita was startled. Although he should be familiar with these sudden mood swings, it still took him by surprise. "Kiyomitsu? What's wrong."

Kashuu shook his head and swiped at the tears. For some reason he couldn't look Okita in the eye, so he just curled in on himself, trying to find comfort in his own arms.

 _Has he remembered something?_

"It's going to be okay, so no need to cry."

As if that would help. Kashuu let himself be held by this man he apparently knew before and just listened numbly to the elevator as it whirred down at a ridiculous speed. How had he morphed into a blubbering mess so quickly? Just minutes ago he was living out his days in utter serenity. No unnecessary emotions plagued his mind, so why now? Okita simply hugged him tighter, trying to be strong for both of their sakes. The elevator slowed to a halt almost unnoticeably. He only realized when Kashuu's ragged breaths were the only thing he could hear.

"Kiyomitsu, the elevator's stopped. Do you want to go back?"

"…" _Go back?_ Of course Kashuu wanted to go back. Back to his shoreline. Back to where he wouldn't feel so incredibly _tiny_. His desire to find the source of the Song of the Sea had died long ago and he'd only humoured this man just because. Too many things were happening all at once. His head was spinning and his gut was clenching and he knew that all that mattered, the one thing he desperately needed was _peace_. Once he went through those doors, his reality would change. He just knew it, the same way he knew Okita's name.

Okita didn't prod or push, but instead silently prayed that Kashuu wouldn't go back. Although he didn't realize it, he needed answers just as much as Okita himself. So when cold fingers reached out to press a button, he held his breath.

The doors slid open noiselessly. Kashuu didn't know why he opened them or what was driving him to move forward. _I don't want this._ His lips were sealed shut. Okita misunderstood his actions and kept an arm looped supportively around his shoulder as he guided them into utter darkness.

It took a while for their eyes to adjust, which was strange considering the bodies they had. Okita found himself standing in the centre of a once grand hall. It reminded him of an opera house he'd been to when he was still alive. The stage was made of wood so fine and highly polished it felt like porcelain tiles beneath his feet. A conical gallery stretched up for hundreds of feet above them. Even in the dim lighting that seemed to emanate from some distant overhead source, he could see the rich wine velvet of the seats. Okita suppressed the urge to whistle his impressment. If it weren't for the stale air and the heavy violet drapery that decorated the room, he'd have forgotten where he was.

When he looked to his side, he froze. Kashuu was staring at one of the gallery seats, teary eyes wide, standing still as a spooked animal. It brought back very bad memories. Tearing his eyes away, he turned his attention to the spot the young man seemed so fixated on. At first, he could see nothing out of the ordinary, then looking a little closer, he could just make out a head, resting on the back. In that instant, a strange sort of energy permeated the room; not the electrifying sort of energy that bursts up spontaneously, burning fast and hard but dying down just as quickly. It was of a sombre sort, the kind that creeps in slowly, unexpectedly on a lazy breeze, then grows in power, leaching the life out of everything it touches until it crushes it all and dissipates, leaving a hollow ache in its stead. The rest of the body materialized, and not just in that seat – the entire hall was being filled with human-looking creatures gradually. They manifested bit by bit, part by part, and it was unsettling to watch, but they didn't have a choice.

Even when the place was packed, it was still deathly quiet. The strange creatures merely stared at them, but they exuded a power of authority that was greater than anything Okita had ever felt before. He couldn't keep his eyes on any of them. _Are they the rulers of this realm?_

It was ironic. Here was a skilled swordsman, a police officer who stared death in the face without cringing more than once, cowering beneath the eerie gaze of some ghosts. "We know what you are thinking, Souji Okita. We are not ghosts."

The voice rang clear and strong through the room, and if the place could get any quieter it would. The one that spoke was very impressively dressed in a white judge's gown and held a mahogany gavel in his hand. _Get yourself together Souji._

He dug deep within himself and from the depths of his obstinate soul found the will to be defiant. "And contrary to your belief, we aren't afraid of you."

"Speak for yourself." The words were slow and deliberate and simply said as fact.

That made Okita look to his side. Kashuu had slid down to the floor and buried his face in his knees. He was trembling so violently that Okita was afraid he was in one of his fits again. He was about to rush to his side, but the sharp smack of the gavel gave him pause. His head was wrenched up to the speaker sitting in the middle of the gallery and so was Kashuu's. Ever since he'd set foot in the room, Kashuu felt his inner peace drifting further and further away, being replaced by something darker and more primal: fear. It coated his throat and sewed his lips shut so that even his pathetic sobs couldn't breach the surface. Feelings of insecurity and intimidation washed over him, and the frightening thing was that they felt like they belonged. Had these always been a part of him in a previous life? The one he lived in with Okita?

"Souji Okita, Kiyomitsu Kashuu, you have been summoned to the Land In-Between."

Every syllable made Kashuu curl his shoulders inward until he was small as a child. "We are the judges that reign in this realm. We are the ones who decide your fate."

A gut-twisting discomfort settled within Okita. They were on trial, and judging by the nature of this court, only one of them would win.

"Your trial has already begun, however it seems as though this one has buried his memories deep within himself."

Kashuu squeezed his knees even tighter; if he was alive the skin would be bruised all over. _I've hidden my own memories?_

"We cannot proceed unless he regains them."

Okita's fingers curled into tight fists. Remember? The last thing he wanted was for Kashuu to remember. "Can't you judge us without them? You already know all you need to."

Grey eyes narrowed and the white cloak shimmered in the dull light. "For a fair judgement, past must be aligned with present. What is wrong, Souji Okita? What do _you_ have to hide?"

Okita's breath caught in his throat. What did he have to hide? From Kashuu – everything. They finally met again across time and space. He was finally able to see those crimson eyes once more, despite however empty they looked. But again it couldn't last. It was like they were destined to be separated, no matter what.

"It is about time we begin." The gavel was struck once and a wave of breeze swept through the room. Kashuu's head grew light and he slumped over himself and would have collapsed if Okita hadn't realized he'd been released from the Judge's power and rushed over to cradle him like a doll.

* * *

 _Kashuu pulled his grey newspaper boy cap low down over his eyes as he carried a wicker basket of the day's paper fresh from the printery. He tried not to let his eyes linger on the uniformed children his age running through the paved streets, trying to reach in time for the final bell. He stayed as far out of their way as he could and pressed the basket closer to his worn sweater. "Hey Tetsuo! If you don't hurry we're gonna be late!" a girl shouted, tugging her sister who was only a little bigger than Kashuu himself along. Their gazes met. He looked away too late. The scornful expression dug into still festering wounds, and it was everything Kashuu could do to keep his tears at bay._

' _What should I do if I want to stop crying, Mommy?'_

' _Just smile Kiyo. It's easy as this. See?'_

 _Kashuu turned his back to the street and faced an orange vendor on his side. With his biggest, brightest smile he said, "Morning paper mister?"_

 _He walked through the entire town until the very last paper was sold and his pocket was full of coins. He didn't look up at the people that he passed, at the pretty buildings that lined the road, at the nice treats that vendors sold because he didn't belong there. He lived on the other side of town where the road was packed dirt and stone and the tiny houses were shoved out of sight so people who didn't want to see them didn't have to. He always hated leaving home. Because home meant safety, home meant his mother, home meant love. At least there he could hide from judging stares thrown his way. At least there he mattered to someone._

 _The heat always seemed more intense out of the city. It made sweat drain into his eyes and his hair stick flat to his face, and combined with the dust caking his feet, it wasn't a very good feeling. So Kashuu was more than a little irritated when he found his way blocked by three pairs of feet._

" _Hey Kashuu."_

 _His blood ran cold instantly and he apologized to the universe that he had the audacity to even feel irritated in the first place. A hand shot out and picked him up by the collar while another found its way into his pocket and fished out the few coins there. The coins he had worked so hard for that very morning. The coins his mother was counting on him to bring home._

 _Kashuu squirmed around in the choking grip, feet kicking out wildly and hands flailing for his robber's. "No! You can't! That's for Mommy!"_

 _The older boy flung him to the ground and stuffed the money in his own pocket. "Not anymore."_

 _Frustration fuelled Kashuu to launch himself at his attacker, and the next thing he knew was utter blackness, then pain._

 _The disappointment he felt when he reached his doorstep was almost palpable. He was ashamed that he let that money slip through his fingers so easily. His mother was bound to be disappointed too, but she would just smile and say everything was okay when it wasn't. He heard her muffled sobbing in her bedroom late at night when she thought he was asleep. She must have sensed him at the door because it swung open just a few seconds after he arrived. His tear streaked face and black eye were enough of an explanation to her. She enveloped him securely in her warm arms and cherished the moment of his childish stubbornness while she still could._

" _Don't worry Kiyo. Everything will work out."_

* * *

Kiyomitsu was trapped in a haze of thoughts and he murmured incoherently, clutching on to Okita's clothes tightly. He drifted in and out of consciousness and the Judges stared on in silent apathy. The experience was terrible for Okita. It was too familiar.

* * *

 _Kashuu washed out a bloody towel in a basin of water before replacing it and snaking his tiny hand into his mother's fragile grip. Hacking coughs wracked her weakened body and Kashuu lingered at her side, suppressing his panic. How much longer was she going to keep coughing? It had better not keep up, because mouthfuls of blood came up with every heave and no matter how resilient she used to be, Kashuu knew she couldn't keep it up forever. He squeezed his eyes shut as a violent fit came over her and he even felt his own lungs rattling. He'd sought out so many doctors, reached for help on so many sides, taken up so many odd jobs, but they still couldn't afford treatment. His father had run off the minute he'd been conceived, and there was nobody else there. They only had each other, and now that his mother was leaving him who would he have? The thought was terrifying._

" _Mommy please," he begged, nuzzling her with his head, trying to get as close as possible, to cling to her like he always used to when she had more strength. "Isn't there anything I can do?"_

" _Mommy…Mommy?"_

 _The woman slowly brought a trembling hand up to Kashuu's cheeks and wiped away his tears. She gave him a tired smile, lips stained with her life. "I love you, Kiyomitsu. I'm sorry I couldn't stay with you just a little longer." And her arm fell onto the old mattress with a dull thud. Her eyes closed, and she looked like she'd just fallen asleep._

" _Mommy?"_

 _Kashuu shoved himself into a cupboard in their old kitchen, biting down on his favourite cap to stifle the wheezes ripping themselves from his throat. The house was dark. He was alone up until a few minutes prior when he'd heard the front door crash inwards._

" _Kashuu? Where are you hiding?"_

 _The boy bit down harder on the cap, a gift his mother had gotten him when she was still alive. "Poor boy, you've been on your own for how many weeks now? We'll take care of you in Yuka's place." More crashes pounded themselves into his ears as the sound of them wrecking his home grew louder. He covered his ears when he heard cupboard doors being flung open as if that would save him._

 _When cool air hit his skin and he looked up, he was met with the grin of a man with pink hair and deadly eyes._

 _Okita, stumbled with his group of half-drunk friends through the city at one in the morning. His curfew had long since passed and he had twenty missed calls on his phone, but that could wait. His sister would get over it soon enough. They'd just dragged themselves from a party being held in the Lower Quarter. He was one of the few partygoers still alert and lucid enough to be called sober. Yaminami was too, and he was also the one who knew the town the best._

" _Where are we headed to next?" Okita asked. The party hadn't been enough to cool his head after a heated fight with his bull-headed sister._

" _Frustrated are we?" the boy snickered._

 _Okita responded seriously. "More than ever."_

 _The snicker morphed into a smirk after Yaminami appraised him for a short while. "I know just the people you can take it out on."_

 _They weaved through the streets, avoiding cops on night patrol with the ease of any criminal. Okita found himself standing at the entrance of what looked like another club._

" _Eiji, you take care of those three. If they look like they're falling down just go on ahead of us."_

 _Yaminami pulled Okita into the building before the other could spare a thought. The first thing that hit him was the strong smell of incense. The threshold opened out into a sort of lounge and bar and screen doors shielded the rest of the building from view. The lighting was dim, so they couldn't really see much except for what was immediately in front of them. Even so, it didn't take long for someone to sidle up to them as soon as they took a seat. Okita was indeed startled. It was a girl of about thirteen, small, fragile, but with a mesmerizing pair of crimson eyes that sucked him in instantly. He took in her cunning tilt of her lips, the glint of bangles around her wrist, the smoothness of her porcelain skin and understood what kind of person she was instantly._

" _Good night. How lovely of you to join us here."_

" _How lovely indeed," Yaminami chuckled and Okita found himself wondering how the boy even knew about a place like this._

 _The girl smiled innocently and smoothed her long chestnut hair down. "Can I interest you in anything in particular?"_

 _Okita gulped. His mind was screaming for him to get away from this place, but his curiosity got the better of him._

" _I-I'm not sure."_

 _The girl chuckled lightly and settled between them, snaking her hands into both of theirs. She smelled sickly sweet. "Maybe I can help both of you tonight?"_

" _B-both of us?!" Okita couldn't help but stutter and he was cut off by Yamanami's giddy laughter. "Why not? She's pumped so full of drugs that she can't feel a thing!"_

 _She smiled in agreement and leaned closer to Okita, bringer her inviting lips closer to his face. The close proximity and seductive sent him reeling so badly that he almost sighed in relief when he felt his phone vibrating against his thigh for the twenty-first time._

 _He gently pushed her hand away and stood up. "Yeah Mitsu. I'm coming now." He dragged a confused Yamanami up out of the seat and the girl's clutches and gave her a patronizing smile before he left. She stared at him, hands hovering mid-air, looking lost. He couldn't shake the image from his mind._

* * *

 _Kashuu huddled up in an alleyway partially shielded from the unforgiving sun. He hated its brightness; it made it more difficult to hide his flaws. He sat on a filthy piece of cardboard, and covered his body with an equally filthy coat. His boss had been arrested around two months prior and he had been living on the streets ever since, scrounging up whatever he could to survive. Sometimes he found himself in a section of town that he was completely unfamiliar with and no recollection of how he got there. Sometimes he would find himself wheezing and panting and shaking and screaming without knowing why. Who was he kidding? Of course he knew why. The drugs they'd hooked him on were so much more scarce now and he simply_ _ **had**_ _to get them. They made him bold and confident; numbed the pain and the fear and just made him feel so giddy and ready to please. It had been a while since he could find anyone on the streets who had any, so he'd been hiding away since then; saving up his strength for the time he'd need to offer himself to get that reward. Because that was the only thing worth living for anymore. He tried to smooth his hair down, hating how filthy he felt and smelled, and he lowered his eyes no matter who passed._

 _Okita strolled down the sidewalk aimlessly. It was one of those rare evenings when he actually felt like walking through the town. He hadn't returned to the Lower Quarter since his expedition with Yamanami. Days after when he brought up the incident in conversation, Okita discovered that the boy had just visited the place based on rumours and gossip. It was a relief to know he wasn't friends with a paedophile._

 _A piece of cardboard partially in an alleyway caught his eye for just a split second. It wasn't unusual to see beggars in the city, and Okita didn't feel especially sympathetic towards all of them anyways. 'Anybody can earn at least something if they just try hard enough'. A terrible hoarse cough broke his train of thought, and he whirred around to face the person. He started with a jolt when he found himself staring into a pair of all too familiar crimson eyes. The person's face was haggard and dirty, but still held some beauty. 'So this is where she ended up after that raid.' Okita didn't want to imagine all the things a thirteen-year-old girl had to go through on the streets._

" _It's you."_

 _Kashuu locked eyes with this strange person who stopped to address him. Nobody had done that before. Who was he?_

" _I'm sorry but have we met?"_

 _Okita frowned. Was this the same person? The face was the same, but the voice was a little strange. 'He sounds like a….oh.'_

" _You wouldn't happen to be a twin?"_

" _Um…no."_

" _It is you then. We met one night, but nothing happened between us."_

 _Kashuu lowered his head, pressing his knees to his chest. Okita wondered how this little girl…no, boy, had survived without support for two months. "What's your name?"_

" _Kashuu."_

" _Okay Kashuu. Come home with me?"_

* * *

" _I still can't believe you! Where do you think you are? An orphanage?" Mitsu chided. She was more incredulous than anything else._

 _Okita just sighed and rubbed the back of his head. 'Why did I bring him home anyways?' Maybe it was some twisted sense of obligation or an extreme display of charity? Whatever it was, he'd acted without thinking his actions through and he had a complete stranger taking a bath in his home._

" _Yasusada will be excited to have a little brother!" he teased._

 _The older woman conked him on the head with her ladle. "We're gonna have a loooong discussion tonight, Souji Okita."_

 _Kashuu felt sublime as he pelted his skin with warm water. He hadn't had a decent bath in weeks, so all the grime and sludge trickled off him and swirled down the drain. It was brown and disgusting, just like the polluted river that ran nearby his home. This strange blue-eyed boy just offered to take him home out of the blue for what reason? Was he an idiot? Who in their right mind would let a filthy homeless beggar into their home? 'Isn't he afraid I'll rob him or something?'_

 _Kashuu's eyes roved over the contents of the shower caddy that hung from the head. There were all sorts of personal care products that he could never even dream of owning. He ran a hand through his hair, not surprised to find broken off ends caking his fingers. It didn't matter that much anyways; he no longer had anyone to look pretty for. Sighing tiredly, he switched off the faucet and dried himself, relishing the feeling of the plush towel over his damp skin. The clothes set out for him were a bit bigger than his own size but fit well enough to be passable as his own. 'Is there someone my age who lives here?'_

 _Despite the great kindness that had already been shown to him by simply letting him set foot inside his home, Kashuu couldn't help but feel extremely sceptical about the whole thing. What did this weirdo want with him anyways? Maybe he'd ask after he got some food – no need to risk giving up a good meal. He smoothed down his hair and pinched his cheeks, aware that he probably looked nothing like the person Okita had claimed to meet before. 'I'm not beautiful anymore after all.'_

 _He wandered into the kitchen-dining area where he was met with a familiar set of sky blue eyes but on a younger face. A child sat around the table spooning big mouthfuls of stir fry into his mouth. Their gazes locked, but the boy went right on chewing._

 _Kashuu was the first to look away; he never made a habit out of staring at anyone. He plastered a fake smile on and instantly regretted it. It felt too brittle, like the boy was seeing through every inch of him, but he'd started this façade so he had to keep it up. He bowed deeply and softened his voice until it was smooth as milk. "Hello, it's an honour to be here."_

 _The boy motioned for him to sit down. "Eat up. It's good to have you," then he shoveled another spoonful inside. Kashuu felt like he could gobble down his soup but restrained himself. Politeness was everything. These people had offered him relief and he was going to ensure he got as much of it as possible before he had to leave._

* * *

 _In the pitch darkness of the night, Kashuu crept from his room to Okita's. he adjusted his shirt so it was just slipping off his shoulders and ran his tongue over his lips to moisten them. He'd thought about it over his silent dinner with the boy. The older one was one of his customers once. If he'd gone through the trouble of taking him in, that could only mean one thing, right? Kashuu clenched his fists, wondering about the sort of performance he should put on. He didn't trust himself to hold out for long without the drugs; they made him bold and witty and seductive. They made him Kiyomitsu Kashuu. Without them, he was just a weak vacant shell without personality, only tears. But Okita had so kindheartedly given him a second chance, at least for one night, so he could not disappoint._

 _Three soft knocks on the door was all it took for Okita to show up. Kashuu's hands trembled, but just a little. He'd get over it as soon as he started. "Thank you for accommodating me today. It was very kind." He didn't miss the way Okita's eyes roved up and down his form, a confused expression on his face. Obviously he was still having a hard time accepting that the person he'd so thoroughly believed to be a girl before was definitely a male. Even now, with narrow shoulders that sunk and curled inwards and a frame so delicate a firm shake would snap him in two, Kashuu was clearly a small, cute boy._

' _Maybe it was the makeup?'_

 _Also unmistakeable was the way Okita squirmed uncomfortably on the spot, the way his fingers twitched and how he gritted his teeth as if in discomfort. Kashuu looked down at his pants purely on instinct and understood immediately. 'Oh. It's one of those nights I guess.'_

 _He shuffled closer to Okita who seemed rooted to the spot, too wrapped up in his own pain to notice. Kashuu reached forward and gripped the hem of his pyjama shirt lightly. "I can help if it hurts."_

 _Startled blue eyes snapped down to crimson ones and Kashuu pushed further. "Let me be of use to you."_

 _Okita didn't even consider it. Kashuu saw the disgust in his eyes as clear as day and his throat tightened instantly. That reaction was unexpected to say the least and his grip loosened. Okita must have sensed the change because he caught himself and plastered on a painfully false smile before prying Kashuu's fingers off him gingerly. "I'm sorry Kashuu-san but that's not why I brought you here. Get some rest now, okay."_

 _In seconds the door was softly closed and Kashuu didn't even notice that he'd moved until he was lying facedown on his bed, feeling empty and cold._

* * *

 _Mitsu looked over her boys thoughtfully. It had been three months since they'd taken in Kashuu and within that time it had been difficult for the boy to adjust. He was always antsy around the other two, but she got along pretty well with him. If anything, he'd proved himself to be a hard worker and that was what Mitsu loved the most in a person._

" _Say, it's been a while since you've come here, hasn't it Kashuu-kun?"_

 _His eyes flitted up to hers and he gave a discreet nod. He was always so reluctant to talk around the other boys. Needless to say they were confused._

" _I was thinking I could enrol you in school."_

 _Kashuu froze, chopsticks midway to the plate._

" _Uh…Kashuu?"_

 _He couldn't hear her, couldn't see her. He was living in the past – in a time when he pretended not to see his mother storing up most of her savings for a time when he could finally go to a school. 'You're a smart boy, Kiyo-chan. There's so much you can learn about this world. You're excited about it too, aren't you?'_

 _-in a time when he stood trembling behind his mother in his favourite cap and freshly knitted sweater as she spoke to the principal of a small public school. She had her money in her purse. They'd saved enough to cover his registration fee and a few supplies, but they were roughly shoved out of the office and the door slammed shut. Kashuu gripped his mother's hand tight, tears dripping down his face. 'Don't worry, Kiyo-chan. Everything will work out just okay.'_

 _-in a time when she was drowning in her own blood and Kashuu was clutching to her for dear life, wishing for all the world he could treat her himself. She passed so suddenly, and he never even got the chance to bid her farewell. Words of wisdom died on her breath and with them perished all of Kashuu's dreams._

 _His vision blurred and he shot up from his seat before the tears could spill. "I won't go!"_

 _Okita watched, unaware of the displeased frown on his face from the lack of manners (Kashuu didn't need to look at him or Yamato to know how they felt about him)._

" _Did I say something wrong?" Mitsu was just as confused. It was Yamato who got up and trailed after him. "Kiyo-ku…Uhm, Kashuu-kun?"_

 _Okita lurked in the hallway and grimaced. The boy must have been too distraught to gripe over the use of a trivial nickname. The first time Yamato had used it in an attempt to bond with him, the response had been pretty much the same. They just hadn't chased after him that time. Muffled sobs got a little clearer as Yamato let himself into the room he'd obviously forgotten to lock._

" _I…can't go if she's not with me. It's not fair to her." The words were whispered between wracking sobs. "I can't do this if she's not by my side."_

" _Who?" Even though Kashuu wasn't actually talking to him he still felt the need to ask._

" _Mom." The word was choked out and he sounded like he was suffocating in his grief. Okita felt a pang of guilt. He remembered Kashuu mentioning he'd been alone since he was six on one of their rare talks. Seven years of mourning had to be painful._

 _A peek around the door revealed Yamato pressing him into a tight hug. "Kiyo-kun, Mitsu-san didn't know. She didn't mean to hurt you."_

 _The boy slumped against his support and tried to steady his breathing despite the stream still trickling down his face. "I know…and don't…don't call me that." It was a weak protest. "You're not her. You can never replace her."_

* * *

Kashuu lurched up abruptly, nearly knocking Okita flat onto his back. Somehow, he was drenched in sweat and he was hyperventilating. If he had a pulse, it would have been erratic. He looked around frantically, taking in the room and the strange creatures and only froze once he felt a pair blue eyes on him. Slowly, he turned his head towards them and it didn't take a second to recognize his owner. "Okita…san?" Okita was happy he was out of his delirium, but something still didn't feel right. Did he get his memories back? That would explain why Kashuu looked downright horrified at the mere sight of him, but the honorific didn't match. Kashuu hadn't called him 'Okita-san' since their first few months together years ago.

"What are you doing to him?" Okita spun around to the judge.

"The process has begun. Memories of his past life are returning in stages."

Okita's spine tingled. His _past life_? "So he'll have to relive _everything_? Not just the end?"

"So it must be."

"Okita-san, what's happening?" Maybe it was his imagination, but somehow Kashuu reminded him of the broken thirteen year old boy they had to put together again. He never imagined that maybe they didn't do a good enough job; that they hadn't fixed him as well as they thought they did. Okita smiled at him. "You'll feel better soon, okay?"

* * *

Kashuu's mouth fell open in a wordless question. _Okita is smiling at me? Doesn't he hate me?_ But the thought of Okita actually smiling at _him_ was comforting in the strangest of ways and he could feel the light tug of a memory at the very edge of his consciousness.

 _Fluffy blue hair bounced before him as Yamato jogged up the shallow steps to a shrine. "Kiyomitsu, Okita-kun, move a little faster would you?"_

 _Kashuu scoffed loudly and Okita simply laughed and clapped him on the back. Kashuu pretended he wasn't alarmed at how the action nearly made him topple over. If Okita noticed, he kept quiet. "Why are you so excited anyways? Haven't you been to a shrine before?"_

" _Of course, but you haven't. I still can't believe it! Nineteen and you've never seen a shrine."_

" _You talk as if I'm to blame" Despite his attitude, Kashuu couldn't deny he was looking forward to this little expedition any less than Yamato. He could finally pay his respects to his mother the proper way. He pulled his coat tighter about himself; it was colder than it should have been and no matter what he tried he couldn't seem to get warm enough. Pressing his hands close together and blowing into them, he tried not to think about his anxieties, instead tried to focus on how happy he felt being around two people he loved the most._

" _Are you okay?"_

 _Kashuu's head jolted upwards. Yamato had stopped his ascent and turned around to look down on them. 'I don't know.' Kashuu groaned in annoyance and threw his hands up in exasperation. "I'm fiiiiine, so quit worrying already." And he picked up his pace just to show them that there was nothing wrong with him. Yamato rolled his eyes and turned back. Kashuu was hiding something, but he couldn't tell what. One could never be sure when it came to that boy._

 _Kashuu was biting down hard on his tongue. Did he look sick? Had Yamato found something out? He'd been losing a bit of weight gradually over the last three months and it was worrying him. He was looking paler and frailer and he found he had to apply more than the miniscule brush of foundation to look like a living person. It was frightening and he didn't know what to do, but most of all he didn't want to burden anyone._

 _He nearly tripped up when Okita suddenly appeared before him, stooping down. "Hop on. We'll move faster this way, don't you think?"_

 _A lump formed in Kashuu's throat and he hissed out, "Okita! I can-"_

" _Yes, yes I know perfectly well that you can handle yourself just fine. Just bear with me for the time being. I really wanna see that shrine too you know?"_

 _Kashuu hid his anxiety in an aggravated sigh. "You're all on my case today. Fine." The instant he slipped into place on Okita's back he cursed himself for the fool he was. It was far too easy for Okita to stand up, his ankles far too easy grip. Kashuu felt frail and doubtless Okita could feel his fragility too. 'He already knew.' Why else would he offer to carry him up? Kashuu pressed his face into his neck, willing himself not to let any weakness show. "Don't tell Yasusada."_

" _Even if I don't, it doesn't make a difference. He's already got a good enough suspicion that you're sick."_

 _Kashuu didn't respond because he didn't trust himself not to break down into tears or into frustration. 'What is happening to me?'_

 _They arrived at the shrine much quicker indeed and Kashuu gave Okita a silent thank you before he ran forward to punch Yamato on the shoulder. "Selfish. Couldn't you have waited for me?"_

 _Yamato frowned at him and instead turned his attention to the grand wooden structure standing on concrete stilts. It wasn't massive, but it wasn't small either. Heavy wooden beams were painted red and gold and all sorts of small ornaments and trinkets decorated the bench. Kashuu walked around, looking for a clear spot and flicked out his phone. "Before we do anything, let's get a picture together."_

 _Yamato's eyes sparkled and he was by Kashuu's side instantly whereas Okita simply strolled along like the old man he was. "Okita-kun," he whined. "Let's not waste any more time."_

 _Kiyomitsu hummed his agreement as he pulled out his selfie stick and set his phone on it properly. They took three perfect photos and much to the other two's surprise, Kashuu took out a small portable printer and had them in hard copy in a flash. Yamato and Okita exchanged a look. Kashuu was unpredictable as always. "Well you came prepared."_

" _Of course I did. Expected anything less?" He pulled out a small album and placed the picture securely inside. "Okay, so like, how does this shrine thing work anyways? Is there a procedure I need to follow or something?"_

 _Yamato nearly cracked up. "Who calls paying respects a procedure anyways?"_

" _Just shut up and tell me what to do."_

" _Okay, okay. First you put down your trinket, say whatever you want to then light the incense. We can all do that last part together."_

" _Alright, let's go Yasusada. We have to pay our respects too." Okita dragged him away before Kashuu could ask to be left alone._

 _Kashuu closed his eyes and basked in the momentary comfort that Yasusada's presence brought him. He kissed the book gently and placed it on the bench, long fingers stroking the leather cover gently. "Hey Mom. I miss you a lot, but you probably already know that."_

 _He paused, swallowing back a lump. "I cry a lot lately, but now's not the time for tears, so I'll try to hold out for your sake. Yasusada and Okita carried me here today and I'm so grateful. I can finally get to do this the proper way, y'know. And I'm really grateful for all you did for me when you were still alive. If you'd walked out with Dad, then I wouldn't…I wouldn't even be here right now. It was thanks to you that I was able to meet them, so that's why I'm leaving these with you. Now that I know where this shrine is, I promise to come back again, okay?"_

 _A crushing weight that had become part of the many burdens he had to bear was lifted off him. Kashuu backed away from the bench and prepared the incense for himself and the other two. It didn't take long for them to join him. "Eh? You're not crying?" Yasusada chuckled as he struck a match and lit the stick._

" _Shut up idiot," but there was no real force behind his words. Kashuu felt more serene than he had in a long while and the others sensed it. He closed his eyes, breathing in the delicate sweet scent deeply. It was doing something wonderful to him – clearing his mind and freeing him from his earthly shackles. It was a divine feeling, but for some reason, it wasn't all that foreign to him and it was troubling. The supreme satisfaction and lethargy that settled into him after just a few deep breaths reminded him of the numb giddiness he used to feel when he worked in the Gentleman's Club. Then as suddenly as thunder rips through the air, a singing pain tore through his chest and he could hear someone coughing wetly. His eyes snapped open and he looked up at Yasusada and Okita. They seemed fine, so he looked down at himself to find blood staining his beige sweater and his legs sprawled out in front of him. The smell of the incense persisted and it made the air in his lungs thick and clouded his mind. When had he fallen down again? Another set of bloody coughs exploded from his lips and he doubled over on himself._

" _Kiyomitsu!" Yasusada steadied his too light body and cursed himself for not noticing whatever this was earlier._

" _Wh-at?" he groaned in between rattling coughs. Yasusada held him, not knowing what else to do. Okita was already on the emergency call. Kashuu's head spun and he felt nauseous and dizzy all at once. Worried faces drifted in and out of focus as if his vision was crossing and he couldn't prevent himself from collapsing into a crumpled heap onto Yamato. Yasusada lifted him onto his back where Kashuu lay limp as a ragdoll. If he couldn't feel the fluttering heartbeat against his chest then he would've thought he was dead. Okita lay a hand on Kashuu's back while explaining the details to the operator._

* * *

 **Hello all. It's been a while. These days are rough and writer's block is a devil. I fell in love with some of the characters in Touken Ranbu, this sword-based anime/game. There isn't a large fanbase for this so you may not be completely familiar with the series but don't worry, you don't need background knowledge (although it'd be really awesome if you do) to understand. The next and final chapter's already written and waiting to be posted.**

 **Thanks to the faithful ones who still put up with my slackness, and also to any new readers. As always, reviews and messages are welcome.**

 **Until next time.**


	2. Rest

**_GUILTY AS CHARGED_**

 ** _A Touken Ranbu Fanfic_**

 ** _Chapter 2_**

* * *

 _Yasusada and Okita sat in the doctor's office. It had been a week since Kashuu's collapse and he'd only shown marginal signs of improvement. The bloody coughs had stopped, but the last time they'd seen him, he didn't recognize them. He just lay on the bed like a broken doll, unable to talk or think for itself._

" _This is a very rare case indeed. A degenerative disease with effects very similar to withdrawal symptoms."_

" _A degenerative…" Yasusada trailed off. 'That means he isn't getting better?'_

 _The man leaned forward in his seat and linked his hands on the table. "Yes. We've seen other cases; however, they always had a build-up of a particular toxin in their organs. Kashuu-san is the same. The toxin has been slowly eating away at his body and resulted in a latent, chronic weakness in his system. Was there a trigger?"_

 _Yasusada nodded. "He only started coughing after he smelled the incense."_

" _Hm…" The doctor scribbled something down on his notepad. "I see. The triggers in the other few cases were different but perhaps there is an underlying similarity…"_

" _So wait. You're saying you don't know much about this disease at all." Okita gripped the arm of his chair. 'Why did it have to be him?'_

" _I won't deny that, Okita-san. What we do know, however is that this may have been caused by excessive use of a complex drug. Is Kashuu-san accustomed to using recreational drugs?"_

 _They had never seen Kashuu so much as look at a cigarette or even sniff at alcohol. "Drugs?" Okita placed a hand on his chin thoughtfully._

" _I don't think so." Yasusada responded._

 _The memory of Kashuu dressed up in a kimono fixing him with a hooded gaze when he was but a teen popped up into his mind. And instances of strange behaviour, forgetfulness, unexplainable anxiety all threw themselves back at him. How didn't he think of it earlier. People in Kashuu's line of work were usually drugged._

" _I think he may have had some exposure when he was much younger. I'm not sure quite how much or what exactly though."_

 _The man nodded and adjusted his spectacles. "Tests indicate that he has been. We've found traces of a particular compound that is associated with an illegal drug we believe is being used on rape victims to make them more receptive. I'm sorry to say that based on what we know so far, we can only expect Kashuu-san to live for four more years; seven if he's lucky."_

 _Okita's stomach dropped to his feet. He opened his mouth to respond but just then there was a desperate knock on the door. "Doctor! Something is happening with the subject!"_

 _The old man rose up so fast it was a wonder his chair didn't topple over. "Come see for yourself."_

* * *

 _Kashuu writhed violently and scratched himself so roughly that flesh tore away from his skin and lodged beneath his fingernails._

" _Get off of me!" He screamed, breathless, panting. He was wrapped in a sheet of coals and no matter how much he dug and ripped at himself they wouldn't come away. A tall man swathed in shadows stood just in front of him holding live coals in his hands. His nose burned with the smell of searing flesh and singed hair. He kicked his legs out in an attempt to fend him off, but he just drew closer and closer instead. "Stay away!" Tears and sweat evaporated from his skin and he pressed himself deeper into the bed to get away from the heat. "Just leave me alone." The man paid no heed and instead buried him under heaps of coal._

 _Kashuu curled in on himself, huddled up into a ball and shrieked. Yasusada automatically covered his ears although they were watching through a glass screen on the outside. He watched as Kashuu trembled sporadically, lips stained red with residual blood, tears that he shed so often recently spilling down his cheeks._

* * *

 _A hand stretched out to him from the darkness that engulfed him completely. He grasped it and was relieved to find himself pulled gently out of the endless days of agony. Kashuu blinked rapidly, finding himself in his room with absolutely no recollection of how he got there. All he knew was that he was tired and Yamato and Okita looked worn. It wasn't very hard to imagine what had happened. He was wearing a hospital gown after all. "Yasusada, Souji…"_

 _He reached forward both arms to link with their hands. Had he been the cause of this? Was he the reason they looked so stressed? "I…I'm sorry. I-" he sputtered. What was he to apologize for anyways? Keeping his change in health a secret from them?_

 _In a flash Yamato was beside him, hugging him tight and kissing his forehead. After just waking up it hurt like hell but he wouldn't complain. He hadn't realized how much he missed being touched._

 _Okita smiled at him and that made soothing warmth spread through his chest. "We'll get through this just fine."_

* * *

Kashuu's grip tightened on his jacket. "Okita. What are we doing here?"

He looked down at him again, hugging him closer, trying to discern how much he remembered. Instead of answering the question, Okita ruffled his hair the way he always used to and tried to keep his heart together when Kashuu leaned into the touch.

"Quit it. You'll ruin my hair." It was a light-hearted comment made to offset some of the tension. There he was. His Kiyomitsu was back.

"You're a wreck, Kiyomitsu."

The young man rolled his eyes. Looking around the room, he frowned. "This is weird. I heard something about having lost my memories? Where are we exactly?"

"You are in the deepest chambers of the Land In-Between where fair judgements are made. Your tumultuous existence has come to an abrupt end and here you rest, awaiting the verdict."

Kashuu's brow furrowed the way it always did when he was deep in thought. "My tumultuous existence?" Slowly his eyes widened in understanding and he reached his hand up to his neck, his palm and gasped. "Okita, are we…?"

He resigned himself to sitting back on his hands. "It seems like we are." He caught Kashuu staring at him. His crimson gaze softened to an incredibly fond expression, one he usually wouldn't be caught dead wearing in public. It was a sort of bittersweet smile. "No wonder I feel strange here." He brought a hand up to his chest. "It felt like I hadn't seen you in years."

Okita's throat grew tight. "I feel the same way. I've missed you."

Suddenly the rattle of chains filled the otherwise silent room. They snaked forward like they had a mind of their own and wrapped around Kashuu's ankle before violently tugging him backwards. He landed on the floor, hitting his head with a hard thud.

* * *

" _It'll be fiiiiine so don't worry, okay? Let me live a little!" Kashuu shooed a fussy Yasusada away from him as he tightened his hakama around his waist. He'd managed to gain a little more weight recently so at least now he was marginally more confident. He still had to wear makeup and long clothing to cover his scars though – from desperate nights of delirium when he lost himself to the madness of disease. This was kendo, though and if it was one thing he was confident in, it was his skills. It was his skills with a blade that had finally earned him Okita's respect after avoiding him and his younger brother like the plague for the first year they were together. It was kendo that taught him self respect and made him understand the reason Okita was initially disgusted by him._

" _We're a team, so I'll do my part. Now go ahead and wait. I'm going to win this match for us." This was a firm resolution. No matter what, sickness or not, he would not lose. They recognized the stubborn tone of his voice and decided to leave._

 _Kashuu calmed himself. They were in the finals of a national kendo tournament and he could not afford to lose. This match determined who the victor would be. He'd be lying if he denied being anxious; that was a part of him, but he always performed better under pressure anyways._

 _He stepped out onto the court to face his opponent and drowned out the crowd. All his focus had to be on the match and as soon as it started it was clear just why his opponent had made it all the way to the finals. It was fast paced and exhilarating – it had been a while since Kashuu could play like this and he was enjoying every bit of it up until halfway when his grip slipped and he started getting tired. His strikes became a little less precise and his blocks a little weaker and it didn't take long for his opponent to take the advantage and poke the blade lightly on his chest. Then it happened. He doubled over as a series of coughs shook him and blood splattered on his clothes. It was a good thing they were dark. The whole auditorium hushed and his opponent stooped down before Kashuu, asking if he was alright and if he needed a doctor._

' _Why now? Why now? Why NOW?'_

' _Not here damnit! I still need to-'_

 _More wheezing coughs set people into action and he could see Okita and Yasusada rushing onto the court. He sounded like he was dying. He was dying. And it was frustrating the hell out of him that people kept reminding him about it all the time. Even though they were just being kind, it hurt to always be reminded of what he couldn't do. He bit down on his tongue in a rage and suppressed the rest of the coughs that tried to rip their way out of him, and shoved himself to his feet. Taking a ragged breath, he yanked his opponent up roughly and spat out, "Quit treating me like some fragile doll! I'm not going to shatter."_

 _He wiped some blood off his mouth, making some of it smear his skin and taint the mole beneath his lips red. He got into his stance and settled his sword comfortably in his grip._

" _Are you sure?" the boy asked._

 _Kashuu smirked. "Of course I am."_

 _He shook his head and prepared himself for battle once more. "Alright. But don't expect me to go easy on you just because you're sick."_

" _That'd be insulting. Now let's begin!"_

 _They resumed the battle which was somehow even more heated than in the first instance. Kashuu was unsteady on his feet and Okita and Yasusada kept expecting him to collapse at any minute, but he held out to the end. He used his wobbliness to his advantage, incorporating more guile and deception into his technique than he usually did and it worked in his favour. Eventually he managed to knock the opponent's sword away bring his own to his neck._

 _The boy's eyes were wide with shock. Kashuu grinned, chest heaving from exhaustion. "I hope you kept your word."_

 _Slowly, the shock was replaced with respect. He backed away in surrender and bowed to the victor. "I'm glad I did. You didn't disappoint, Kashuu-san."_

 _Kashuu bowed in turn and left for the infirmary immediately after the referee announced the victor. He nearly keeled over into the first bed he saw. It didn't take long for Okita and Yasusada to find him. The atmosphere was tense. Yasusada set down the trophy and some other gifts he was carrying on a side table._

" _Are you satisfied?" Okita's voice was level, but Kashuu's ears were well attuned to the criticism in his tone._

" _Yes I am. We've worked too hard for me to lose now."_

" _Yeah, well you can treasure your precious memories because that's all you'll have now. You won't participate in another kendo competition ever again."_

" _What?!" Kashuu practically screeched. Now that the adrenaline from the match had faded, he was just a bunch of frazzled nerves and haywire emotions. 'Stay in control Kiyomitsu.'_

" _By whose order?" his hands balled into fists._

" _By mine." Okita stared at him unflinchingly and Yamato kept his head down. He obviously didn't want to be hearing this._

" _Excuse me?!" Kashuu's voice rose up a notch and despite his best efforts he could feel heightened anger, despair and shame spreading through his head. It felt ready to explode. 'Stay calm. Please stay in control.'_

" _Okita-kun…don't you think that's a little harsh?" Yamato's voice was quiet._

" _You are far too kind, Yasusada. Kiyomitsu is exceedingly selfish."_

 _Kashuu's mouth fell open. He was selfish? "Really Souji? How was I selfish? I did this for the team!"_

" _Are you sure about that? If you cared about your 'team' that much then you wouldn't have acted so rashly. What would you have done if you'd collapsed out there?"_

 _As suddenly as it had flared, Kashuu's anger died out leaving nothing but freezing ashes of suffocating humiliation in its wake. "But I didn't." He had to at least pretend to still be angry. Any display of bipolar behaviour now would just fan Okita's flames._

" _You just wanted to prove a point, Kiyomitsu and it could have cost you your life. Did you even consider how I felt? How Yasusada felt?"_

 _Kashuu couldn't bring himself to look at them. Yamato had turned around, his pain still too raw to be shown. "Just leave me the hell alone. There's nothing wrong with me!" He pressed his face into his knees, muffling his voice which had gone shrill and thin. His words betrayed him. Of course he wasn't fine. It was the most blatant lie Kashuu had ever told in his life and it just revealed how insecure he really was._

" _Kiyo," Yasusada started. He'd pressed through his pain to put a hand on Kashuu's shoulder, but the younger man just shrugged him off. "Shut up!" Kashuu hated himself. Yamato was the last person he wanted to be nasty to, but horrible things kept spilling out of himself like his body was expelling all the darkness he hid inside him._

" _Get out. Getoutgetoutgetout!" His chants were almost hysterical. They left in silence. That was enough of a reply for Kashuu. He fell onto his side and bit the sheets viciously. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."_

' _I can't do this.'_

* * *

When Kashuu came to, his hands were bound tightly in shackles. He chuckled bitterly and looked down. They reminded him of straitjackets they had to modify his bed with for his demented episodes. Okita was livid. "Why are you shackling him?"

 _Have you forgotten why too, Okita?_

"Kiyomitsu Kashuu has had a very volatile personality, so to avoid delays in the process, we have decided to restrain him."

Kashuu couldn't help his smirk. _Who knew your weaknesses followed you even into death?_ "It's fine Okita. It doesn't hurt."

The Judge stretched a hand forward and the elevator's doors slid open. "The final judgement draws near. In the crystal pond, all will be revealed."

Okita couldn't resist scowling at the creature. He joined hands with Kashuu even though he was shackled and led him into the elevator. Kashuu followed behind him in a kind of weary acceptance. He didn't feel ashamed or outraged by being chained like an animal because if anything he could _definitely_ remember being feral during his past life. Okita was obviously bothered by it though. On their ascent, he kept picking at them as if they were regular handcuffs.

"Really, it's okay. Even though it's like this, I'm so happy I can see you again."

And he let his hands fall away from Kashuu's wrists. "Do you remember how you died?"

Kashuu's breath hitched. The question was unexpected. Memories of any death but his mother's were absent from his thoughts. The pained look on Okita's face was enough to give him pause. It made him feel antsy and uncomfortable and the familiar jaws of fear clamped around his throat once more. His gaze fell to the floor. "I…I don't want to." And it was the truth. Hard to admit, but still the truth. His memories had to have been lost for a reason, right?

Sighing deeply, Okita pulled him into an embrace that he couldn't help but nuzzle into. "Sorry. I don't want to force anything."

Kashuu hummed, the solidity of the person he'd always loved as an older brother making his anxiety ebb away. "You seem to recall a lot though. What about Yasusada?"

Okita prayed earnestly that Kashuu couldn't feel the way he stiffened. "The last I saw of him, he was really happy. I wish I could see how he's doing now. Mitsu too."

Kashuu smiled sadly, waves of longing washing over him. "Yeah. Remember Kanesada and Horikawa? They'd always follow Yasu home from school…and Nagasone, that guy I competed with in the kendo tournament who turned out to be my roommate in college."

"Mhm." Okita nodded, leaning heavily against the elevator's wall, enjoying this last moment of peace they'd have together. _In the crystal pond all will be revealed._

He knew that as soon as they set foot on the shoreline, everything was going to end.

"Isami and Toshizo were your supervisors…and you used to work as a detective in the police force. That idiot Yasusada wanted to join because you were there." What was meant to be a wistful chuckle came out as a fragmented gasp. "And I…I worked at the crime lab because I was just as much of an idiot as he."

For some reason, the journey up felt a lot shorter. The elevator slowed to a stop, but Kashuu didn't let go. Okita brought his hands to rest upon his own, not even realizing when the chains had disappeared. _If only we could stay like this a little longer._

Surprisingly enough, he felt himself being gently tugged forward by Kashuu who held onto the hem of his shirt like a child. He kept talking about their past the whole way, spilling precious memories to fill their aching hearts. It didn't take them long to get back to the clear water. The Song of the Sea was no longer audible, but apart from that the sky was as dreary as ever. Okita felt sick to the core. He remembered every detail clearly, and it wasn't something he wanted to recall at all. But they were already there, standing before the crystal waters, peering into their depths and being sucked in. The strangled sunlight shimmered and refracted on its surface, painting pictures of a past they'd left behind.

* * *

 _Wheezing filled the room. Silverware rattled as trembling fingers struggled to put them in place. Kashuu sucked in a deep breath and stilled his breathing. Slow and steady, just the way he'd practiced. He was twenty-three and hosting his last dinner party, or so he imagined it to be. Kiyomitsu Kashuu loved parties, especially fancy ones, because they were a place to dress up and pretend and at least for a couple hours he could actually deceive without feeling like a hypocrite. He could actually pretend to forget that his time was running short. With now stable hands, he placed the finishing touches on the table and weaved his way to the bedroom as smoothly as a dancer. He had to practice from now after all. His performance could be no less than perfect when his guests arrived. When in the privacy of his room, he pulled out a needle filled with clear fluid and jammed the thing into his veins – medication for his deteriorating mental health that he'd begged the doctor to keep a secret. As he powdered over his bruises and cuts he took solace in the fact that this was the last time. This was a Farewell Party. He decided to move away within a week's time. He knew he couldn't last a full fourth year, so he'd decided to leave to make his death less ugly. Okita and Yasusada didn't deserve to see him suffer before his stubborn, selfish body inevitably gave in. A wry smile tilted his lips and as he brushed his hair till it shone, he wondered how they would take the news._

 _Just before he went downstairs to wait on his guests' arrival, he checked his appearance one last time. His makeup was flawless as usual, and he could almost pass for a healthy, spritely young man. He fiddled around with his teraminx cube, the only sign of anxiety he was willing to show. Yasusada, Okita, Horikawa and Kanesada all bustled in with a burst of life and colour. It felt so strange having his almost preternaturally still world disrupted that it took him aback. It was a stark reminder of how isolated he had become – he had to become – and it hurt even more than his body. Yasusada pulled him into a cozy, comfortable hug, practically snuggling into his coat and Kashuu had to fight desperately not to show how satisfying it felt._

" _You made all this on your own Kashuu-san?" Horikawa's eyes were wide in amazement as he took his seat around the dining table._

 _Okita was similarly surprised. None of them knew exactly how well Kashuu was doing health wise, but even for a healthy person the amount of work that would have gone into preparing everything would be incredible. "You've really outdone yourself this time."_

 _Kashuu stuck up his chin and curled his lips into a smirk. "But of course. I'd be offended if you hadn't thought so."_

" _Eh." Kanesada shrugged his shoulders but it was obvious that he was really pleased too. "No doubt this is all to impress you Souji. I wouldn't be surprised if Yamato had a dinner party tomorrow just to outshine him."_

" _Excuse me?"_

" _What do you mean by that Izumi?"_

 _Horikawa ignored the two expected protests and nodded along with his younger cousin, laughter shining in his eyes. "True Kane-san. They've always been competing for Okita's affection." Kashuu cleared his throat loudly and made a snappy comment that was so typically him that it didn't take long for them to slip into their old banter. Happiness and friendship and love bubbled out of all of them, filled the air till they were saturated by more emotions than food. At the end of the meal when they were all tucking into dessert, Yasusada sat up a little straighter. Noticing the way he stiffened, Kashuu was reminded that he had an important announcement to make. He'd have to say it then; there would be no second chances._

" _Guys," he started out gently._

" _Everyone," Yasusada blurted at the same time. They were so in sync that things like these happened often. Yamato chuckled at Kashuu's startled expression. "It's okay. You go first Kiyo."_

 _Kiyomitsu's mind went blank. All eyes were on him now. It seemed so easy when he had gone through the scenario so many times in his head; he'd just say what he needed to and brush off any questions smoothly, just the way he always used to (back when he was so confident that hardly anyone could ruffle his feathers). And now he sat before his four close friends – so close they were like family – with the most important words he'd probably ever say to them dying in his throat. 'Why am I hesitating?' If he fooled himself enough, then maybe he could really believe he didn't know the answer. As soon as he opened his mouth, they'd know – how weak he really was, how terrified he really was, how cowardly he really was. But he couldn't just disappear without a trace, now could he?_

 _Okita, who sat close enough to him could make out the slight trembling of his lips and his painfully tense posture. "Why don't you two just say what you need to together? They're both important, right?"_

 _They nodded, Kashuu eternally grateful for Okita who could always be counted on to get him out of a pinch. Yamato grinned giddily. "Alright. On three. One, two, three!"_

" _I'm getting married."_

" _I'm leaving."_

 _Five pairs of eyes popped right open, but Kashuu was the first to recover fast enough to shield himself. "What?! Married?!"_

 _Yamato blushed furiously._

" _I can't believe this!" Kashuu's laughter tinkled pleasantly through the air. "Yasusada's getting married before any of us. Who'd marry you, idiot?"_

' _Take control of the conversation quickly. Don't leave any openings for them to ask.'_

 _Yamato's cheeks flared in mock anger, partly at Kashuu's announcement and partly at being teased. "Her name is Mariko and she's a wonderful person by the way! She's met everyone here except you, Kashuu, but I know she'll love you."_

 _Kashuu hid a blush of his own and tried not to splutter. It was impossible not be caught off guard by unexpected compliments. Horikawa and Kanesada were silent and Okita's sharp eyes never stopped flicking, and they always came back to Kashuu. Kashuu, who was sweeping Yamato up into conversation and acting like he hadn't said anything at all. It was obvious that he was trying to change the subject; that much was clear to all of them. They were used to him subtly manoeuvring topics whichever way he wanted, weaselling himself out of uncomfortable situations with his cunning and wit, but that evening it was different. His usually flawless façade was frayed and worn, exposing the desperate person underneath._

" _Kashuu. I want you to be my best man."_

 _Kashuu faltered. His breath stuttered and all words fled his throat for the second time that night_

" _You have to be my best man, so you need to explain this whole 'I'm leaving' thing right now." Yamato stared directly at him. He could be heartless at times._

" _I…"_

 _He turned his head away and moisture began to spill from his eyes. He was immensely happy; happy that Yamato could finally find happiness away from Okita and himself. But he was also terrified that he'd ruin everything. He bit down on his lip hard, wishing that for once he could just control his emotions._

" _Kiyomitsu?" Of course, Okita noticed the tears and was at his side in an instant. "I can't discuss this right now." It took everything in him to hiss out the words between clenched teeth. They were all taken aback. Nobody had ever cornered Kashuu like this before, and even if they'd come close to pinning him down with words, he'd always been able to avoid a blow. The atmosphere was heavy with choking sadness; it was incredible how quickly things could change. "You need to talk this over with us."_

 _Kashuu kept his lips sealed._

" _Kiyomitsu you're scaring me." Yamato's wavering voice elevated his frustration. Somehow, Kashuu's tears always triggered his own._

 _Kashuu leaned over in his seat and covered his face with his hands to try to calm his breathing. "I'm scared too Yamato," he whispered out. A lump stuck in Okita's throat and immediately he found himself checking and triple checking Kashuu's age. He'd be twenty four in less than a year._

 _Kanesada and Horikawa excused themselves, recognizing that this was a conversation best had among just the three. Yamato joined the other two on the opposite side of the table, feeling guilt swell within him. How had he managed to trick himself into believing that Kashuu was getting better? That he was doing well living on his own? They had a pretty good guess as to why he was leaving, and nobody could blame him. That didn't make it any less painful though. "When are you going?"_

 _Kashuu brought his hands down from his face and leaned heavily against the table. It was like whatever high was keeping him active for most of the night had died to cold ashes. "I'm moving at the end of the week."_

" _Good Grace," Okita swore. He couldn't even find it in himself to be angry. "Why didn't you tell us earlier?"_

" _You know why." And it was true. Okita knew better than anyone else that he and Yasusada would have done everything in their power to make Kashuu change his mind. And that wasn't an easy task – he was as stubborn as they came._

 _Yamato sighed deeply and pressed down on the bridge of his nose._

" _I'm sorry." Kashuu couldn't look them in the eye; he was running away after all. Living out his last days in solitude seemed less painful than basking in their sunlight, especially when he knew he might very well take it with him to the grave. "I'm sorry for everything," he whimpered. And he was sorry. Sorry he'd been born, sorry he'd met them, sorry he was only hurting them, sorry all he could offer them was sorrow. The urge to reach out for comfort was strong, but he resisted. His closest friend had requested he be the best man at his wedding which meant he'd have to postpone his flight. That was scarier than anything._

" _The wedding's in three weeks. Can you hold on for two more?"_

 _Kashuu squeezed his eyes shut and hardly felt when Yamato pulled him in for another hug and Okita patted his head gently. Could he really hold on for two more weeks when his mind felt like it was slipping into oblivion more and more every hour? When he had to double the dose of his medication that very morning because it hadn't been strong enough? When his doctor looked more and more troubled every time he went in for a check-up? He pressed his face into Yamato's neck and clutched on to both his and Okita's garments like his life depended on it. Desperation welled up within him. "I.." his voice went up to the watery high pitch it did whenever his emotions ran high. He sounded that way all the time nowadays. "I can't. I'm sorry I can't. I can't do this, I can't hold on, I can't be there for you, I'm sorry sorry sorry I'm so sorry." Yamato hugged him harder, his heart breaking with every apology. Horikawa and Kanesada stood awkwardly in the doorway watching the exchange. Beneath the makeup and the clothes and the flourish and pretense, Kashuu was fading rapidly. They couldn't imagine what it must have felt like to know you're dying and unable to do anything about it. Time crawled by but eventually Kashuu calmed down again. The least he could do for Yamato was try to support him in at least this._

" _I'll…try."_

 _And despite all his feelings of guilt, Yamato relaxed against him. "I'm glad."_

 _For them, he had to hold out for two more weeks. Just two more, then he'd be free to leave in peace._

* * *

 _Okita pulled up in front of Kashuu's house. He and Yamato had been trying to get in contact with him. The wedding was just a week away and it had become obvious that Kashuu was pushing himself. They'd stayed with him on his originally planned moving day partly for comfort and partly to make sure he didn't run off. He'd been so antsy and anxious and had to swallow down so many pills and elixirs that Okita wondered if he'd really be able to hold out for much longer. Being around them was incredibly stressful for Kashuu given his weakened mental state and that stress was just making his condition worse. His memory was atrocious, his mood swings frightening and his nervous system going haywire. It really would be best if he left._

 _Okita started to worry one evening when Kashuu had called them and asked them not to make any surprise visits; he'd asked them to tell him whenever they'd be dropping by. It was troubling to say the least. Not being able to get in contact with him and needing to discuss important wedding-related matters seemed like the perfect opportunity to figure out what exactly was going on._

 _He pushed his spare key into the door and turned the knob. The place was immaculately clean, almost looking as if nobody had used it since the dinner party. Stillness seeped into the air making it heavy; it squeezed the breath out of his lungs. Emergency numbers hung up on the walls on neon pink sticky notes, just where he and Yasusada had left them. It was Yamato's idea to put them up in the first place. They made them while Kashuu was passed out on a sofa along with a list of reminders and a schedule for the rest of the week. Kashuu had been openly grateful when he woke up later. That was a change – he'd finally dropped the pretence and let his friends care for him a bit. Whether it was out of kindness or exhaustion he did not know._

 _He walked around the startlingly empty apartment, wondering if Kashuu was even home. When he knocked on his bedroom door there was no response. It swung open noiselessly. The bed was untouched but the windows drawn open to reveal the sunlight. It didn't sit well with him. He peeked into a wastebasket and recoiled at the pile of empty syringes and crushed pill boxes inside. Overdose was the first word that came to mind. In the past week, they'd learned a lot about Kashuu's episodes – the way he'd wake up in a frenzy, visibly struggling to hold the frayed edges of his sanity together; rushing to a cabinet with a hand clutched to a painfully contracting chest; about to down a handful of tablets before one of them stopped him, pressing two gently to his lips followed by a glass of water._

" _Kashuu!"_

 _Okita moved a little faster, searched a little harder. His heart fluttered like a trapped bird._

" _Kiyomitsu!"_

 _Silence. He returned to the kitchen, thoroughly perplexed and pulling out his phone to dial the doctor. Then he felt a presence behind him, the whisper of a raspy breath._

 _Kiyomitsu stood pressed up against the sink, crimson eyes wide and terrified. There was no recognition in them at all._

" _What are you doing here?" His voice was high and shaky, the same as someone on the verge of panic._

 _Okita sighed in relief, but his hair still stood on end. He edged forward closely, arms outspread as if to give the younger man a hug. Kashuu backed away even further as if he could transform the countertop into liquid and seal himself away inside a safe bubble. "St-stay away from me!" A long chef's knife shook in his hands and he held it up between them._

 _Police instincts kicked in right away. He treated Kashuu the way he would a volatile criminal. His voice lulled to a steady, soothing tone. "It's me, Kiyomitsu. Okita. You gave me a key, remember?"_

 _The knife didn't budge. "Okita?" There was no familiarity in the name._

" _Yes." He fumbled around in his pocket slowly and deliberately. Kashuu gripped the knife till his knuckles ached. "Here, look." He held the wallet up, displaying his police badge and a small photograph of Kiyomitsu, Yasusada and himself._

 _He heard the shaky exhale Kashuu gave out. "So you're an officer? Perfect." He slid his weapon onto the counter and clutched a shoulder. "Can you help me?"_

 _Okita's gut stirred uncomfortably. Kashuu still didn't recognize him, not even after he showed him a photograph. Was this a side effect of the new medication his doctor had put him on? Was the dosage too strong? Too weak? The feverish red gaze had him rooted to the spot._

" _With what?"_

" _I was looking for something…I can't remember. It was important though."_

 _The hand snaked up to his head and fingers tangled themselves into damp brown hair so tightly Okita was afraid the strands would be rooted out. 'Does it hurt, trying to remember?'_

 _Kashuu degenerated into a crumpled heap leaned heavily over the counter. "Right…I've been trying to remember…all morning. It was really important." He was muttering more to himself than talking to Okita._

 _The officer moved forward steadily, making sure his steps were loud and placed a hand on Kashuu's and gently weaved it out of his hair. "I'll help you."_

" _Huh?" Kashuu looked up at him confused. Was he speaking aloud? His face cracked into a frazzled smile that Okita tried his best to return._

' _I think we made a mistake, Yasu. We never should have asked him to stay.'_

" _Just relax. I'll get your medicine, okay?" Okita patted him gently and stretched upwards to open a cupboard overhead. He took down a tray of filled syringes and placed them on the counter where Kashuu could see them clearly. Removing one, he turned to face Kashuu who was watching his every move like a frightened cat._

" _W-what is that?" The pointed edge of the needle seemed to twinkle in the sunlight._

 _Okita took a step closer and to Kashuu it looked like the man was brandishing a weapon. The flutter of a whooshing breeze dragged his attention away from the man. A beautiful woman with eyes uncannily similar to his own stood a right beside Okita. She wore a smile and pointed at the syringe. Okita frowned and glanced beside him. What was Kiyomitsu staring at?_

 _In the meantime, Kashuu's face quickly morphed into one of absolute fright and Okita could feel the shift in the air. Kashuu was going to do something rash if he didn't stop him. Quickly he stepped forward and pinned him to the countertop, grasping one of his arms and trying to line up the needle._

" _No! Get away from me!" Kashuu squirmed and flailed hysterically, trying to escape. "You lied to me!"_

" _No I didn't. You just need to take your medicine to feel better Kiyomitsu. Please calm down." Okita tried to keep his voice steady during the struggle._

" _Liar! You're the one…you're the one who killed her, weren't you?!"_

" _Killed who?"_

" _She's right there, right beside you. You poisoned her…and now you want to get rid of me too." Kashuu beat his free hand against Okita's chest and tried to wring his arm away. Everything was a blurry swirling mess. The woman still stood, looking on silently, now with her accusing gaze turned to him. "Don't worry Mom. I'll get rid of him for you. I won't let him hurt you again."_

 _Okita pursed his lips. Kashuu's line of thought was making no sense to him. Instead of responding, he shoved his hip roughly into him, making his torso bend over the sink. "That's enough Kiyomitsu." He positioned the syringe and jammed it into Kashuu's arm the same time he felt pain explode across his stomach._

 _The syringe clattered out of his grip and he staggered backwards looking at a jagged slash in his side. "What?"_

 _He pressed a hand to it and bit back groans. Kiyomitsu stood before him in much the same position he'd been in initially – with the knife he'd scrambled for while Okita was preoccupied firmly held between both hands._

 _The apparition of his mother, clad in the same bloodstained clothes she'd had on at her death frowned at him. "Don't look at me like that. I got rid of him…see?"_

 _Okita fumbled for his phone and quickly dialled an ambulance. There was already a pool of blood on the floor. In an attempt to hobble to the front door, he slipped on a tile and crashed down. A loud groan came from deep within him. His stomach throbbed and his head was spinning in the worst way possible._

" _Help," he groaned into the phone when the operator answered, static crackling like fire. How was he getting weak so quickly? Had a major artery been slashed? The strength to get up had fled him already and he could only watch in disembodied fascination as his life leaked away. Some time later (minutes, hours, days?) he heard a more familiar voice call his name. He grunted and looked up to see a saner Kashuu kneeling over him, staring at the gash in his flesh in disbelief._

" _I…did this?"_

 _The scream of a siren blocked out whatever else he was going to say. Nurses in white uniforms burst into the house and loaded him onto a stretcher without delay. Okita could barely see them. His eyes had glazed over already. Kashuu couldn't say a word. One look at him was enough to know that he was already dead._

 _A brief once over by the medics and a single aborted conversation later, Kashuu was left alone inside his house. He walked to the sink and distractedly tried to clean his hands, but long after the red washed down the drain it still seemed to cling to them._

" _I'm a…murderer?"_

 _The thought sent his heart pounding, and even with all the adrenaline pumping in is veins, he could only slowly move to his car. He stabbed Okita. Okita was in the hospital. Okita was dead. Yasusada's wedding was one week away. Tears spilled down his face without his consent and blurred his vision as he travelled too fast onto the main road. He called the first person who came to mind._

" _Kashuu-kun?" Horikawa sounded cheerful._

" _I'm sorry." It was a shattered sob. A foot pressed down a little harder on the accelerator; heart beat a little faster._

" _I'm so sorry. I've ruined everything."_

" _Kashuu-kun? Why do you sound like that? What happened?" Cheer slipped into worry._

 _The white car cruised around a corner. Kashuu wasn't even aware of where he was. The road was narrow and winding and mere inches to his right was a guardrail and the picturesque image of a serene sea below._

" _It's Okita-kun. He's in the hospital…it's all my fault, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."_

" _Are you driving Kashuu-kun? Pull over and tell me where you are. I'll come get you right away, okay?"_

 _Kashuu didn't hear anything, couldn't see anything because he'd shut his eyes. This was all a nightmare that he'd just have to bear. Another hallucination that would fade away with time. Right? Because there was no way he could have murdered his own brother. "Please forgive me." The words were whispered, desperate._

" _Kashuu?"_

" _Kashuu-kun!"_

 _The blaring horns of an oncoming truck made him snap his eyes open and the next thing he knew Horikawa's voice was replaced by screeching metal. Kashuu's eyes met with the petrified browns of the truckdriver. He was saying something, but he couldn't quite make out what, so he turned his attention away. His hands were still locked to the steering wheel, but a dull pulsing pain different from what he was accustomed to enveloped his lower half. He could only stare in silent confusion at the piece of jagged metal that disappeared into his body and pinned him to the seat._

" _Oh."_

 _The car rocked precariously on the cliff's edge and the truck driver held his hands on his head in terrified panic, completely at a loss. Even if the wrecked vehicle stayed put, the young man inside wouldn't survive. A light eastern breeze blew, stirring his straw-like hair and ruffling his windbreaker. The sea looked abnormally peaceful. It was a good beach day._

 _There was barely any sound when the wrecked car, white paint and twisted metal flecking the ground all around it, tipped over the edge._

* * *

Kashuu slowly turned his eyes away from the pond, stumbling backwards much like Okita did when he'd been stabbed. His legs gave out on him and he fell into a graceless heap on the sand. All his tears had dried up. Not a drop could spill. "I killed you?"

"Okita, I killed you."

The man closed his eyes and turned away, shedding tears of his own.

"Okita, I killed you and yet…and yet you stayed by my side?"

That made him spin around. Blue eyes now mimicked the ocean in more ways than one. Kashuu's heart ached. The speck of white he'd spotted deep in the clear waters made sense now. A lump formed in his throat. He curled his knees up to his chest, shivers traversing his body. "Even now…I don't deserve you. I never have."

Okita was on his own knees in a second, pulling Kashuu close. "I robbed you of everything…and Yasusada-"

The name could hardly get past his throat. Hoarse sobs bubbled up from deep within him. From a window in the sky, a pair of eyes a shade of blue brighter than any that world could ever own stared down.

"Okita I'm sorry." Kashuu had apologized so many times during his life that now the words seemed empty. What else could he say? Everything was useless.

The landscape morphed and a chair with the Judge manifested itself on the crystal lake. There was no time for mourning. The trial was about to end.

"Kiyomitsu Kashuu, is there anything you wish?"

This was a loaded question. This was the question, Okita believed, that would seal Kashuu's fate altogether.

The brunette lifted his head from his knees, looking as if he bore the weight of the entire world on his shoulders. "Anything I wish? A second chance." He had to fight to stop his hands from trembling. "Okita and Yasusada…everyone I've hurt, they all deserve a second chance."

The Judge remained silent.

"Please, all I want is future where they can live happily." Kashuu leaned forward on his knees, staring the creature right in the face. It remained impassive. Okita wondered if it could even show emotion. "But what about you?" The question made itself audible without his consent.

Kashuu looked back at him and sat up. He stayed silent for a while, genuine crimson eyes studying Okita's face as if he was seeing him clearly for the first time in aeons. He brought two sandy hands up to Okita's cheeks. "Me? I'm tired, Okita."

The older man's heart twinged when he saw the little nostalgic smile that the other had always tried to hide when all three were together. "But even so, I won't be happy until I know that you are too. Until Yasusada can move on without the pain I caused crippling him." There was no need to ask for forgiveness; Kashuu already knew both of them had already pardoned him. But still…

Okita opened his mouth to answer but the Judge struck his mallet on the water's surface. "It has been decreed. The trial is over."

Both of them were dragged to their feet and the sky darkened when the whole host of jurors filled it like flies.

"Souji Okita, you will progress to the Land of Rest where you will attain the peace you have earned."

He stayed silent. How could he live in peace if his little brothers weren't with him?

"Kiyomitsu Kashuu will be bound here until both parties have recovered from the damage he has inflicted. Only then will he be able to progress to the Restful Lands with Okita and await Yasusada Yamato's arrival."

Okita's heart sank. _'I'm tired.'_ Kashuu's words from near moments ago echoed through his head. It was true. Kashuu was always tired. From the very first time he woke up from a seizure, it was obvious. He would have opened his mouth to protest, but Kashuu's fingers entwining with his made him look to his side. And he was smiling. Really smiling, and if Okita didn't know better he'd wonder if they were back in the real world again.

But that smile said a lot. It made him realize that Kashuu wouldn't want things any other way. In the lonely decades he'd have to wait afterwards for either one of them to appear, he'd contemplate what that expression meant, and he'd have enough time to understand that it was relief. The Judge had given Kashuu the opportunity to atone for his sins and maybe that was the only thing that could really heal him.

The water on the lake stirred and split apart. A section sank all the way to the bottom revealing a tunnel, it's roof and sides made of crystal. "This, Souji Okita is the path you must take."

The Judge oversaw everything with an impassive eye. Okita felt himself being steadily drawn forward and away from Kashuu's side. Kashuu, who had a faint rope of sand tethering him to the beach. He stretched forward and linked their hands for as long as he could, until only their fingertips were touching. Okita didn't want to leave. He wished that time could just stop for a moment, that the verdict could be altered, that that damn Judge would stop staring at the back of his head. It was too soon, it would always be too soon when it came on to Kashuu.

"Kiyomitsu!" His desperation leaked into his voice.

Kashuu let his hands fall and looked at him with eyes as clear and sparkling as the crystal tunnel. "See you again, Okita."

* * *

Yasusada leaned back in his chair, holding his left hand up to the light and letting the shafts leaking through the blinds bounce off the silver ring on his finger. It had been a year since the disaster that destroyed his life happened, and his grief was still as strong as ever. The dream he'd had that morning of a clear lake and an inhuman Judge still stood clearly in his mind, as if it was a memory. Horikawa knocked once and came into his office, setting down a mug of coffee black as his shoes.

"Good morning, Yamato-kun."

Yasusada barely even acknowledged him. "Hey Horikawa, why do some dreams feel like memories?"

"Because maybe they are. Some theories say your subconscious solves problems with bits of information you have while you're asleep."

"But this is just…"

Horikawa sat down across from him and sipped from a cup of his own. He didn't have to say anything. Yasusada would eventually speak on his own.

"I saw Kiyomitsu and Okita-kun. They were standing trial for what Kashuu did and I saw everything that happened. At the end of it all, Kiyo had one last wish."

Horikawa put down his mug and leaned forward.

"He said all he wanted was for me and Okita-kun, all of us back in the real world too, to be happy again." Yasusada frowned. The request sounded just like something Kashuu really would say. Was it really his subconscious?

Horikawa couldn't supress a laugh. For some inexplicable reason, his heart felt like ages of turmoil were scraped away from it. "Well then! We'd better get started, don't you think?"

* * *

 **And here we have it - the finale. I know the scene with the paramedics taking away an injured Okita is really unrealistic...I doubt they'd leave anyone in Kashuu's position alone, but this is fantasy so you know...strange things happen.**

 **Anyways, I hope you liked this. Drop a review by on the way out!**

 **Later.**


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